Love Conquers Alz

Leeza Gibbons on Caring for the Caregiver

February 12, 2020 Susie Singer Carter Season 1 Episode 5
Love Conquers Alz
Leeza Gibbons on Caring for the Caregiver
Show Notes Transcript

Episode 5: Emmy Award Winner Leeza Gibbons is a self-proclaimed, FCTA (Former Caregiver Turned Advocate) who has taken her experiences hosting, producing and reporting for shows such as Entertainment Tonight, The PBS show My Generation and her own talk show, LEEZA, to become an instrumental advocate for healthcare, wellness and caregiving; and is the founder of the non-profit Leeza's Care Connection, a supportive safe place to cry, a room for worry and a community of care.is an instrumental advocate for healthcare, wellness, and caregiving.

Leeza talks about the toll caregiving can take on the caregiver. She details important concepts all caregivers should be aware such as "Compassion Fatigue", "Radical Resistance", "the Worried Well", and how to "Take Your Oxygen First", amongst many other profound insights on this episode of Love Conquers Alz.

Leeza is currently seen on-camera as co-host of The Rose Parade and host of The Three Week Yoga Retreat  She is also a wife, mother, businesswoman and a New York Times bestselling author.

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Announcer Don Priess:   0:03
Alzheimer's sucks. It's an equal opportunity disease that chips away at everything we hold dear. And to date there is no cure. So until there is, we continue to fight with the most powerful tool in our arsenal. Love. This is love conquers alls, a riel and really positive podcast that takes a deep dive into everything. Alzheimer's, the good, the bad and everything in between. And now here's your host, Susie Singer Carter and Kassi Crews.

Susie Singer Carter:   0:37
So about 11 years ago, when my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, a mutual friend of ours said, You should really meet with my friend Leeza Gibbons. She's been through all of this. She's very active in the community, and she's just lovely. And we had lunch. Liza brought me her phenomenal book called Take Your Oxygen First and proceeded to give me the best advice that anyone had given me in terms of Alzheimer's, which was to videotape my mom and videotape for as much as I can. I gotta be the greatest lesson, kid. You're gonna have those memories. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, they're changing so much before you know it, they progressed another stage, and so I am so glad I did that. But on top of all that, let me just tell you a little bit about Leeza Gibbons. She's an Emmy Award winner. She's one of the most well known pop culture icons on the air. Of course, everybody knows her. Everybody knows Louisa, and she has an impressive background in the field of entertainment and news media, with shows such as Entertainment Tonight, her PBS show My Generation. Her own talk show, Liza What has become an instrumental advocate for healthcare, wellness and caregiving. And she's also the founder of Liza's Care Connection. A supportive, safe, free place where you can go and have coffee cry, worried, chat just anything you need. There's a community for you off people who are caregivers, and they do care right now. Lisa is currently scene on cameras, a co host of The Rose Parade in the host of the three week A yoga retreat. She is a mother. She's a wife. She's a businesswoman. She's a New York Times bestselling author. She's making me tired and feeling very, very under accomplished. He's a self proclaimed F C T. A former caregiver turned advocate, were so excited to have her here, let me introduce you to Leeza Gibbons. 

Leeza Gibbons:   2:43
Ladies, you are way too kind. It's not true. I'm so supportive and so cheering you on and so inspired by what the two of you are doing and excited to add what I can to your conversation into your advocacy because we need it.

Kassi Crews:   2:54
We do. We need it. There's a void out there. There's not enough conversation and enough information about really how to care-give in this world. 

Leeza Gibbons:   3:04
And it can be  really overwhelming. Which is, I know part of what you're trying to do is break it down and help people take a breath and realize that we got to move forward by focusing on what's left rather than being so stuck in what's lost. Because it's a brutal, it's really brutal. And, you know, that's that's why I started Liza's care connection. I was where you both have been, um, this person that I love so much. My mother, um, was battling this dark thief, and I didn't know what to do. So for me being able to jump into action and focus my grief on my sadness and my sense of helplessness in some direction really saved my life, saved my sanity and anybody that's facing this right now I can understand. You do feel like you're going to break totally.

Susie Singer Carter:   4:00
I can't. I can't agree with you. More like 1000% Leeza. Because now I know all these almost a decade later or more than a decade later. With all the advice you gave me when you were you had cared for your mother, Jean. And I was thinking, This is not gonna happen to me. Like I couldn't imagine what you were saying was gonna be true. I just couldn't. I couldn't even fathom that my mother would be going down that slippery slope of of, you know, uh, a place that was so frightening to me. And it's really what motivated me to make my film as well - My Mom and The Girl because I realized that if I don't connect to the positive, the alternative is a very, very dark place to be.

Leeza Gibbons:   4:34
Well, our brain wants to protect us. And I love that you instinctively did. You moved forward with what you knew. You knew how to tell stories. You knew how to make films. You knew how to connect and you move forward with that. And that's how all of us get through anything. We start kind of where we are with with what we have, and it's really important that people who have a story and that's everybody. That's everybody that we join hands and join forces and realize the value of that story. But I love what you said, Susie, that you couldn't fathom that your mother was going to go there. We can't we can't imagine because we're programmed to think that a you know, our moms, we're gonna live forever. The people that we love, we're going to be in our lives forever and on. And we just can't quite allow ourselves to see this de-compensating and this disappearing And this dance with a stranger that will soon be ours.

Kassi Crews:   5:45
It's so true it e I remember you telling me Take take those videos because before you know it, it's another chapter will be gone and gone and gone. And I thought she did it. You're right because my mom was such a force. She was So she was a firecracker, you know? And I thought there's no way I thought I was gonna talk my mom out of it. Frankly, I was not cure it. This is what we do.

Leeza Gibbons:   6:10
I thought, Well, I'll just I'll just, you know, put my head to the grind. Sort of need enough people. We're just gonna figure the darn

Kassi Crews:   6:14
thing out. Maybe you and me, we're like soul sisters that way. I was like, God damn it, this is my mom. I'm going to make her. We're close. She's going to get this. We're gonna work. We're gonna conquer this, you know? Yeah, but it's not, honestly.

Leeza Gibbons:   6:28
Someday we will. And slowly but surely we're beginning Thio strip away at this mystery. But the brain is such a conundrum. And while we're waiting on cures which many people think will come in the form of something like a cocktail like we have for AIDS and other medication, other diseases. While we're waiting on that cure, we really have to focus on care. So we've got 40 million caregivers were the health care system. You know, all the candidates are talking about universal health care. Okay, great. But guess what? We're delivering it every day. The moms, the husbands, the wives and the sons and daughters were out there showing up on the front lines and just like, you know, firefighters and first responders run towards the problem and towards the burning building. That's just what we're doing. And it is nothing short of heroic.

Kassi Crews:   7:18
And we need more. Thank you. You're right and we need more. It's even with 40 million of us. There's there's not enough because the care is relentless. And what did you do about that? Lisa? How did you handle it? How did you

Leeza Gibbons:   7:32
deal with it? I kicked and screamed and was reluctant and tried not to be recruited into this army at first, um, and once once, I was able to kind of, um see my reality and reframe what I needed to do. I just went about the business of being becoming radically resilient. You know, if there's anybody that can that can build tomorrow with the broken pieces of today, it's caregivers because they have to do it. And the reason why we started our foundation was because we thought, What can we d'oh While we're waiting on these cures? If we can't yet fix the disease, we can fix the fact that many caregivers are dying before their diagnosis. Loved ones. That's how incredibly overwhelming compassion fatigue really is. So the conservatives number is 30% will die before their loved one. Many people say it's much higher than that. It is such a crushing negative effect on your system on your immune system. Psychologically, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually you begin to unravel. After a while, you know you're just getting by. And if you're not replenishing and refueling and resetting yourself, which sometimes means today was awful, I really eft up today. Tomorrow I get another chance learning to let go off. All of the things that went wrong is what I mean by being radically resilient. It's just it's a new way of having different expectations for yourself because 10 years is that the amount of years that you will really erased from your own life because you are a caregiver, we

Kassi Crews:   9:16
can change that. I never heard that term compassion, fatigue, and it resonated so much for me, and I feel like we know they call us the Sandwich generation because we're stuck between our Children and our and our parents who are failing. And then I think I'm now like a I'm like a club sandwich. My daughter just had a baby. 00 that's wonderful. Congrats. Thank you so much. You know, she's got she's There's a little bit care giving going on with the baby. She'll be fine. But, you know, I would you say Compassion, fatigue. I see it in my daughter. And then I see it and high schoolers and your Susie bright eye. He sees it in me all the time. I take a break. You need. You need some food. Uhm, Bradley. Lisa. When I read that, it just it bumped me. Exactly. You know where I live right now? And it's and it's I think I'm I've got to represent so many people because I am, I realize, and my daughter watching her having her compassion, fatigue like she literally calls me and says, Mom, I don't know what to do, and I think it's It's so important to talk about it. So I'm glad that you are bringing it into the zeitgeist, and I want to talk about your your book about Take your oxygen first. Could you? Because that's exactly what we're talking about right now. It's Would you mind describing how that journey was for you And how rewarding it has been some you to write that

Leeza Gibbons:   10:36
when I started taking steps forward and redefining myself as a caregiver. You know, my dream is that all of us will just put our hands up and say, Yes, I'm a caregiver. Let me tell you my story. But we don't, um We go to our corners and we hide and we overeat or we don't sleep where we sleep too much or we spend too much all the things we do to deny these feelings and stuff these feelings. And so the reframe for that was the reason for Take your oxygen first, you know, just like on the airplane. You know you're a mom, But if you're sitting next to a kid, put your oxygen mask on before you help your child. Well, that's so darn hard for any of us. But, you know, on on airplane, you've got like, I think, 9 to 18 seconds of action time before that decision becomes one that's irreversibly regrettable. So in life, we really don't have much time either before we have to say, Wait, if I I have to take more for myself so that I can give more to the one that I love. And so if that whatever that means to you and it's deeply personal, if that means I need to have, I need to shut the door and have a bath and the I have no one bothered me for 30 minutes. I need to stay in my car before I go inside the house and medicate. Um, I need to whatever it is, you know, take a walk, take. And it doesn't have to be massive life changes. But those little resets will give you the resilience that you need so that you can be fiercely optimistic as you go forward.

Kassi Crews:   12:10
What what happens with like myself? For example, you feel so guilty about like, Oh, I'm taking that time and I should be doing that. So I should be doing that.

Leeza Gibbons:   12:19
You know, we're a gold star society. We judge ourselves, we wait for other people to give us the feedback on how well we're doing. And if you're waiting to become world's best caregiver, it's just not gonna happen. First of all, no one seeks the title. No one runs for that office. You know there's there's No, there's no caregiver. Barbie. No one, No one, Please. This not yet, Right when you're growing up, it's not like, Wow, I just want to someday be the best caregiver that I can for my mom, right? So there's there's, there's no there's no sweater to put on that fits. And so we just kind of take those clothes that are so itchy and uncomfortable or whatever. And we put them at the at the darkest corner in the top of the closet, and we wait and we wait and we wait until we're forced to kind of bring it out and say, Oh, my gosh, I'm a caregiver.

Kassi Crews:   13:11
Yeah, yeah, because there's so much confusion and misunderstanding about the disease and misconception about how to deal with people that have the disease so much fear that it ends up. One person primarily becomes the caregiver in a family, which is so much responsibility it is. It's really the reason why I want to keep the conversation going to demystify it,

Leeza Gibbons:   13:37
Boy, you're so you're so right. And when you say there's usually one person that is both a blessing and a curse, and it's it's usually a daughter not always there. Lots of the average age of a caregiver's 49 years old. But there are lots of millennial caregivers there, lots of curves that obviously much older. But it's it's usually a daughter. And in families where there are siblings, there's so much time spent being hurt, angry, resentful, off the other siblings that aren't showing up in the way you think they should or the way you want them to, or the way you think Mom or Dad would want and expect them to. But as soon as we can acknowledge that we all have different limits, we all have different capacity to deal with our grief and our pain. Then the sooner we can kind of get on with doing what needs to be done, because families waste a lot of time with the infighting that just creates on more guilt and delays the grief. They're taking a leadership role, even though it may not be the one that you want, and you may be mad as hell that you're the person that has to do it. There's always something that some way we can learn to delegate and whether you have siblings or you're on Lee. Whether you have bio family or not you you're better off if you can become an effective delegator early on. And part of that is so simple, so counterintuitive for women, which is when people say, Gosh, I know you're going through a hard time. Let me know if I can help, and we never do. We feel like we're gonna lose our place in heaven if we accept help from somebody. But we are. Vulnerability makes us strong. And when you get used to, you know, say right down the list of things that you you would ask people to do If only you could or you believe them or you trusted them or you're willing to show yourself whatever. And those things could be anything like, You know, if I call you just and say I'm gonna event, just stay on the other end of the phone till I'm done, you know? Please pick up my dry cleaning. Please come walk the dog. Please sit with Mom while I take a bath. Um, you know, Please call my brother and ask him why he's being so crummy in this deal. Whatever it is, have an answer. ready and people want to help. But they really don't know how

Kassi Crews:   15:48
and so important, because if you ask and that have, that's the vulnerability about asking somebody that's super courageous. It is

Leeza Gibbons:   15:56
super courageous. I love how you put that because, you know, we think that we're somehow diminished or weak, but we're not. We're leaning into our strength and we're learning how to be competent and confident caregivers. And that's the work that we do at least scare connection. So you know a lot of people that that call us, for example, they aren't they aren't they say I'm not joiners. I don't want to do a support group or it doesn't matter Wherever you are is where you are and even use an anonymous name is freeing. Just call up, you know, high. You know, this is Nancy and you know, my mother has Alzheimer's, and I don't know what I'm doing if you need to take your name off of it than do that. But just anything you need to do to recognize that you're not alone because you're really not

Kassi Crews:   16:41
And that's why you started these care. Connection. Correct?

Leeza Gibbons:   16:44
Exactly right, you know, are the universal experience is getting bigger and bigger. We talked about the numbers. It's been called a gray tsunami. We know that legislatively. We're not getting the love that we need. We know that the money is not there. So a lot of of care falls to not only the unpaid family caregivers, which is who we support, but the nonprofit organizations that NGOs the community, organ community organizations that can just reach out and say We're here and figure this thing out together. And the reality is, you know, like you ladies, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a scientist, you know, despite my most naive desire to conquer this thing. You know, I'm not gonna find a cure, but what I can do ah, is is help diagnose loved ones, get better care and the way to get better care. Better care for the care giver translates to better outcomes for the care receiver, and it prevents the next generation of what we call the worried well from stepping into those automatic shoes off having all the behavioral, all the lifestyle risks. Forget the genetic risk. It is what it is. But But if you've got the genetic risk and then you expose yourself to or I shouldn't say that because you're not doing it. But you are. You're in an environment that is putting you under assault every day than that genetic risk is going to come forward. And

Kassi Crews:   18:18
just because you have

Leeza Gibbons:   18:19
a gene in your family doesn't mean you're going to get Alzheimer's. Just because you don't have a gene in your family doesn't mean you aren't going to get it. We all have a brain. We're all at risk.

Kassi Crews:   18:29
It's right, and that's why it needs to be the much more mainstream and understood, because we are all at risk. And it is such a long exit and on expensive one and and my mother, I mean, we went through all of her funds and then thank God I found, you know, an organization, which is the Jewish home, which actually had a place for her. I wouldn't know what to do after 12 years because it's so expensive. The care. It's just dawn teen. You know, never mind your emotional, but the practicality of it is is daunting.

Leeza Gibbons:   19:01
It is at a time when you know when your brain is under grief and stress and duress. No matter how smart you are, you can't access the logical information and you can't create a path for yourself alone. And that's why a lot of what we do is help people come up with a game plan, you know, like all right, it is expensive if you don't have the money. It's not like we're gonna be in a snap our fingers and find a place or find free support, which is what we offer free support. But for your loved one, if you need respite, Um, whatever it is that you need, our job is to help connect you to the people. And the places in the resource is that could begin to drill down and find some answers. Which doesn't mean that it's going to be easy, that it's gonna be financially pain free. But the the signs of bird out caregivers that's one is just not being able to see. You know you're in the forest and you can't freeze. You're tired and exhausted, and then you don't open yourself up to the love or the possibilities or

Kassi Crews:   20:01
the health around you because you don't know how to do that.

Leeza Gibbons:   20:04
That's exactly right. And that's why those of us, like you ladies who have walked the past and, um and have, you know, a different lens on it. It is so important that we offer ourselves in our stories to other people because remember, for each of us, how lost you feel and it's, you know, when you're having physical pain when you're having a lack of sleep when you're depressed when you're feeling overwhelmed when you're having all those other signs of caregiver burnout, Um, that's the time when it's the hardest to say. All right, I'm gonna make that tough phone call in. I'm gonna ask Susie and Cassie for some help. I'm gonna go meet so and so for coffee, which was really a very brave thing, Susie,

Kassi Crews:   20:52
that you did know. It's hard to do

Leeza Gibbons:   20:55
that when you're in the midst of the struggle.

Kassi Crews:   20:58
No, I mean, that's the other thing. It's really emotional when somebody that you love so much that you respect so much is going through something like this. It's just so emotional. Also, it's a the financial burden which you guys both brought up. Um, these is care connection. That's free of

Leeza Gibbons:   21:15
charge. Yes, our service is air free. We have respite. So if you are taking care of your dad and you want to come in for a support group or you want to come in for an education class or you need to come in and meet with one of our resource specialist, we have people that are trained to take care of your loved one. While that's going on, that's really important for people. Because, um, you know, having the availability of the finances for in home care companions is a wonderful support, but one that's not available are certainly not available all the time to families yet. So that's a lot of a lot of what we do and in our support groups, which are organized by whether it's adult Children or if it's spouses or whatever. They're organized in a way so that when you're in that group, much of the best advice that you can get comes from that peer to peer experience. The community. That's right, what worked for them? Try this. Did you call that one right? You know, it's it's great to have experts to go to, but the experts are the ones that are in it

Kassi Crews:   22:15
yet? Yeah, And your location is way are in

Leeza Gibbons:   22:18
Burbank, which is my home where I lived and California in the L A area and our flagship is my hometown, where my family comes from and where my mother lived and loved and died in South Carolina. So those are two physical locations. But if you call us and our toll free number is 1 800 Okay, Liza Ellie. Easy, eh? We can We can help you. No matter where you are, we can help you. At least get a handoff phone call to the right in the right direction of someone that can figure this out for you in your neighborhood. That's so great.

Kassi Crews:   22:53
That's so so great. You know what? Let's take a quick break. Talk about some great sponsors. Then we'll be back in one second. This is so great things.

Susie Singer Carter:   23:03
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Kassi Crews:   23:38
everybody you're listening to Love conquers all his podcast and we're talking to Leeza Gibbons. Could you tell us a little bit about your mother's story? Do you mind sharing it with us?

Leeza Gibbons:   23:51
Well, it's one of my favorite things to talk about. My mother is with me every day. I feel like a mother's work is never done. And boys that true with mine? Um, uh, yeah, she she died in 08 after struggling for over a decade. Like her mother. My granny struggled for over a decade disappearing with this disease, and my mother was so remarkable because of her experience with her mom. When she before she got a diagnosis, she forced us to accept what was going on, and she literally lined us up. My brother, my sister, my dad, me and my sister along She said, Look, when I can no longer call you by name. I don't want to live with you. I don't want you to take me into your home. I want you to help Daddy know when it's time to let me go. And my mother pulled out brochures and said, Here's here the kinds of places where I would like to go and they were told they were Alzheimer's communities. Now that was brave and self aware, and we were like we were like, No, it's never gonna happen, you know, Right now we're gonna take care of you. And obviously it's such a deeply personal choice. We had our marching orders, which kept our family intact. But a lot of times of a sibling or a spouse will say, I promise I'm going to keep you at home. And then the loved one gets, goes after the knives and starts running out the street nude and gets arrested and physically is putting bruises on the caregiver. And it's untenable. Get me times to keep this loved one at home, and there's tremendous guilt. That's another piece in our culture that I think we need to talk about

Kassi Crews:   25:30
and hip and shift and allowed, Maybe, okay, from loving that person, putting them in a safe place and also the caregivers being in a safe place. I always feel guilty if I miss it. I miss the day that I'm supposed to visit my mom. I feel guilty. I can't help it. But there was a moment that happened between my mom and I that I actually put in my film because it was so profound. It was the this evening in the middle of the night when when Mom was very agitated and really, really upset. And then she finally turned around and had this moment of lucidity and just said, You got to put me in a home. You've got to live your own life. She didn't want

Leeza Gibbons:   26:04
to be a burden. Of course, the oh, well, I got chill bumps when you said that. I mean, I called his mom's a kiss from the Angels. Yeah, there's incredible acidity, incredible clarity amidst the insanity. And yet you know her and you saw it.

Kassi Crews:   26:17
I saw it, and it was a gift that I don't think I would have been able to release her if not for that.

Leeza Gibbons:   26:24
And I totally I totally understand that you've seen one case of Alzheimer's, you've seen one case, so you don't know that. You know, sometimes as people they end up, you know, they have that long term memory and they end up at a time in their life that was peaceful and happy, and they're loving. But I also worry that bet. Family members say, Gosh, Mom is now cursing and she's being, you know, such a bitch. You know, I guess she was really that way. No, no, that is the disease talking. This is This is eating away at your loved one's brain and taking all of those memories and deposits and synapses and things that makes sense and they're jumbled up. It is not that your loved one is suddenly violent and horrible. Now it's just a brain eating

Kassi Crews:   27:10
disease, then, And it's so frustrating when I brought my daughter's baby to meet her for the first time, and she doesn't have the command of her words and and articulation anymore. And so when she first saw her, she just looked and said, Oh, gosh, damn it, that's beautiful. That's so sweet. He tried so hard, and all the words came just like my Mom, it was there she was. God damn it! That's beautiful, Precious. And what a good expression, right? Yeah, that's great Fresh And speaking of that, I want I think it's a good segue way because we're very simpatico and that the having me lived to this diagnosis with our mother, we also know his caregivers that being a caregiver can lead to a lot of positive gifts. And that's the thing that I wanted to express in my movie. And I think that's your philosophy as well. And so I'm wondering if you could share some

Leeza Gibbons:   28:04
of the gifts that you might have received along the way. There is so much humor in all of this sadness and pain, and to identify those and give yourself permission to last really is important. My mom used to love to get dressed up, and so we hers. That stage of the disease may be where your mom is, or even slightly. Before we were at a fundraiser, which she was wearing this dress that I had loaned her this gorgeous sequined, aqua marine, beautiful can Princess e type dress, and we we were at this party and then, you know, you turn around and she was gone. And just like when a toddler gets away from you and you're like, Oh, my gosh, where's Mom? So I'm darting all around the room. I'm looking for my mother and I saw her in the corner of the room. She had unzipped the dress. It was resting in a puddle around her ankles. She's standing there in her bra and panties horrible. I swoop up, they're gonna go, Mom, and I'm trying to put the

Kassi Crews:   29:03
dress back arm. Oh, my gosh, Mom, what is going on? What's the matter? And she went, What's the matter? This party is boring as hell, and I wouldn't put my pajamas on and go to bed. I think I love it. I love your mom so much. I love it, asshole! Arable as

Leeza Gibbons:   29:21
those moments are, you know, they're they're differently, inhibited in ways that we can't really imagine. But in terms of the gifts that do come with this, you know, it's like Winnie the Pooh. You really are stronger than you think you are, and you're more patient than you think you ever could be. You have more ability to keep going forward, then you could conjure up in a 1,000,000 lifetimes, thanks to the brutality of this experience.

Kassi Crews:   29:50
That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I want to also say how grateful we are to your mother, for for you and also just everything that he taught you in that that she shared in and her her courage. Thio speak the truth about what was coming up and to even have that insight. I also want to ask you another question. Did you have a two pansy growing up? It's one of the most prominent hopes rumors in the Internet. It's the craziest thing we never did. Yeah, if you were to look at the anatomy, remember, How the heck do they start on some of them? Just the other one that

Leeza Gibbons:   30:31
I find as well not as extreme is that but because I actually have met Billy Idol. But people said for years that Billy Idol and I dated Well,

Kassi Crews:   30:39
that never happened either. I love it. Isn't it funny? That is so much fun. That is so funny. And I would go for that because, you know, your mom sounded like she had a great sense of humor and we had a great insight.

Leeza Gibbons:   30:54
Yeah, one of those steel magnolias that was just sexy and sassy and wonderful

Kassi Crews:   31:00
out. My God way really are connected, I think because my mom I always say she has more game even now than I've ever I off yesterday. If there's if a man walks by, she pushes me aside. Get out of my way. Hello? Greatest Suddenly she can speak. Get out, Susie. I must have him. Oh, yes. Oh, totally. He is my younger. Yes. Inside and lied. And let me tell you, they respond. I don't know what it is. It's a gift. I don't have it because I had to come. Is Mom She has the thing. She does. She does. Liza, I have a question for you. You have to f words that are really important. Could you please share those with us? Well, you have to

Leeza Gibbons:   31:47
be flexible and forgiving. And the other f words apply as well. Don't get me wrong. Yes, for sure. Those are the things that will that will get you through. You know, you start out saying okay and we've got this doctor's appointment, and then I'm gonna get you. You know, somebody's gonna come over and we're gonna work on your hygiene and help you brush your teeth. And we've got a whole day planned or you've got a hour of the day planned and it never goes that way. And you have to be flexible and forgive that that messed up. Um, I'm gonna forgive myself for getting off track. I forgive myself for being mad. I'm I forgive myself for losing my temper and forgive other people for not showing up, Um, for hurting your feelings. All those things that we carry around with. If you could just remember those f words, they really do help.

Kassi Crews:   32:39
That's that's very helpful, definitely and beautiful. I have a question for you. Does Liz's care connection work with Children? I know that month when my mom was diagnosed again, I had a younger daughter, and at the time people used to tell me why when my mom lived with me for a year, why why are you exposing your daughter to that? It's so difficult. It's so hard. And Lisa, our mutual friend who introduced us, who is a doctor, an endocrinologist, said to me, Are you kidding me? That's you couldn't be doing better for her and really, At the end of the year, my daughter wasn't ready for my mom to leave, which was, you know, my answer. I did the right thing. What do you think about that?

Leeza Gibbons:   33:20
We culturally are so afraid of confronting reality. We're age phobic, were afraid of anything that's old or that you know, we're afraid of walkers and canes, for goodness sake. So we have lots of kind of built in barriers to embracing people who are different and part of what we tried to do with our work in South Carolina. We have a care cafe, for example. And it's not just for families that have diagnosed loved ones with Alzheimer's. It's for people in the neighborhood to come by and hang out with those people so that it isn't so polarizing and so scary now that that doesn't mean that there are times when it's scary. But every time a caregiver takes a loved one out with a child, for example, or just on their own, and they're able to say to the hostess or the server, you know, if it's a little business card they give or whatever that says, you know, Please be patient. My wife has Alzheimer's, which is what my dad used to. D'oh! That's a step towards educating the general population. When your grocery shopping with your loved one and you say store manager, you know Mom's gonna have a cart and I'm gonna have a cart when we check out, will you please restock everything in Mom's cart? Because we're not gonna be paying for that? But it's a way to extend our kindness. Yeah, and just let people in on what you need. I love, really, I really believe in help. And we work with, um, high school groups to that. Are these at these act what they call action kids and they're now embracing the cause, so it's getting better in it. But there's still not enough support for Children. You're right.

Kassi Crews:   34:58
It is important, too, because and I and I noticed, you know, I had a friend of mine, brought her little her daughter, who was a toddler to visit, meet with my mom and the toddler was be on frightened. And then you saw caregivers who brought bring their kids on a regular basis, and those kids take it in stride, you know? Hey, Jack, what can I get for you and Jack is, you know, having an agitation shit in the corner, right, And the kids going. Here you go. Here's the clicker. Here you go. What can I get you? You know, and they just and then go back to Plains. Yeah, because it becomes it becomes part of their of the world, which it should,

Leeza Gibbons:   35:33
which it should. You're so right.

Kassi Crews:   35:35
And you're so right. What your teaching and showing and what we're doing as well. It's all like, thank you, Liza, for showing us

Leeza Gibbons:   35:42
what love really looks like with those stories and the things

Kassi Crews:   35:45
that you were talking about that your organization is doing. And it really does take a whole community and for us to be much more collaborative as a society with all these things that are going on. I love your mantra that I read that you wrote that you say older is the new brave. It's perfect. You It really is because as I'm because I'm inching towards their boy, well, you know, like my mom used to say, it's not for the weak of heart, you know? So tell me why you say that now, Because I love it. I started

Leeza Gibbons:   36:18
thinking that way. Ironically, when I was doing dancing with the stars way back in the Stone Ages when it was a new show, which

Kassi Crews:   36:26
you were great, by the way, I tell us. Okay. Great. Beautiful. Yeah, I was not. I was not great, but I went into

Leeza Gibbons:   36:34
it thinking, Okay, I'm gonna turn 50 on this show. My mother was still alive, and I thought, I'm going to really let go. Of all the inhibitions and restraints I have, I'm just gonna go out there and dance the tango this one night on our birthday dance for my mom dance for anybody else that feels like they don't have a reason to celebrate. And I thought, OK, and I'm going to be fabulous at 50. So I had these fabulous at 50 buttons made. Well, that was a case where I realized there was another f word that it really wasn't,

Kassi Crews:   37:08
but, I mean, I keep forgetting I'm not 27 You know, I I I do Heart of it is the way that you look at life. And part of it is the way that society looks at us, you know and say that's real. We can't let them frame

Leeza Gibbons:   37:22
it for us. We have to frame it for ourselves. That's right. And you girls are doing a beautiful job with up. What is your mission or goal in life? If I may ask to work harder and care more, that's it.

Kassi Crews:   37:36
You're so wonderful. Yeah, us. And then we appreciate you so much. You really d'oh!

Leeza Gibbons:   37:40
I appreciate the two of you is what we have just done. And what you guys were doing with your love conquers all's is so important because that is the emotional south that we need. You know, Thio apply daily to our wounds of going through this disease. And I'm very grateful to have a chance to share love and laughs and information and really just that message that we can be empowered even as we feel like, you know, all hell is breaking loose.

Kassi Crews:   38:09
Ah, 100%. And you take advantage of Liz's care connection. They have so many resources and they don't have something, They'll find

Leeza Gibbons:   38:16
it for you. Thank you. Yes. So we're Liza's care connection dot or ge, That's our on our social platforms as well. But the phone number 1 800 Okay, Liza. And Well, we're here for you. Got the door open. Got coffee on

Kassi Crews:   38:29
your mom. Did a wonderful job. Thank you, Mother. I'm gonna pass that along to my Children that you said so I know, I know.